I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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