i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
