I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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