I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
