Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
