i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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