I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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