so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
