my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
