I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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