You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
