I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
