I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
zippers are such a cool invention
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
