Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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