so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
