i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
