Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
