My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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