Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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