i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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