I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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