the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
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