I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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