Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize