From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
