It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
