My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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