If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
