Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
