I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
