I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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