Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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