Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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