so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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