I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
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