She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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