Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
