When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
