I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
