Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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