We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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