saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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