Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
