so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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