I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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