my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize
