so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize