Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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