Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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