highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
