Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
