I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
