Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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