also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
