she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
