You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
