i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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