I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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