In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
