my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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