i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
