You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
