Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
