so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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