Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
