Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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